In Loving Memory of You

The purpose of life seems to have finished. Loosing you is not just loosing one person, it is like loosing the whole world. I never realized that you played so many roles in my life as and when I needed, without my ever mentioning. I can still feel your touch, your skin, your smell. The gentle and kind your presence was the greatest relief of my life. Having you around was like a most comforting shadow under burning sunrays of May.

They say that souls are immortal, so you must be around here, somewhere close. You must be watching me, and praying for my well being as you always did. I so wish today, I had one more time I could see you, touch you, talk to you, hear you, kiss you.. I miss you, every moment, every hour, every day, and I never want to get over you!

for you

you won’t say a word.. i know that!

for you’re the biggest coward mother earth has produced;

for you are a man, and a born coward!

and guess what? that doesn’t surprise me a bit!

even if you say that you’re not being coward and that you don’t feel what I feel, I would trust you- trust you, instantly!

for i know, you don’t even dare to listen to what they say – all your senses;

you can’t hear the cries they make to you day in and day out for your ear is noisepacked from the bullshit of this fallacy we – me and you – live in and call by different names to hide the impotency and cowardice of ours;

but, i am ready to face the worst- for the worst seems to give me an ecstatic pleasure you won’t ever be able to take which;

you accept the separation for you have a thousand reasons in the world to justify your stand;

but, i have just one, simple but plain, reason to stick to my stubbornness- to keep longing for you;

and that feeling of mine is as true as the existence of me and you;

so if we are here, in this world, together – in same century, time and zone, and if this all is not a dream, and if for once in my life i have the right to live my life, i am going to long for you forever and ever.

i am not asking you to love me back, if at all;

but could you just be so kind to allow me to keep loving you madly in my consciousness, and in my unconsciousness?

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to be titled

I want to stay here for longer.. or may be don’t want to go back ever. Not because I like it here, but probably I have no good reason to go back. Yes, and, of all the things that hurt me – this realization tops the list.

Am I making it too hard for myself? But I should react when I feel bad – I guess. I must not behave in the most ideal ways for the sake of making others feel good all the time – even though this feeling gives me a lasting pleasure contradictorily. Think of this as a long term satisfaction- expectations are the last things to keep with oneself.. so I should not be feeling bad? I should feel that I am meant to live alone as I came in the world with no friends, no possessions, no money, no want of love… (This shows how desperately I am in want of all this)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had to face the reality; I knew though it would shatter away all illusions of the past, dreams, hopes, meanings, understandings and I don’t know what else; But I had to. For I prefer as always to live the truth how sour it may taste.

The moments of this realization were more bitter than I had estimated to be. You expressed in the most lovely way what I always wanted to hear. Only now I knew that you didn’t mean any of them. All the words and feelings that used to drive me crazy seemed like a fallacy. I laughed at your face – I knew I hurt your male ego. Deep inside the sounds of my cries sound proved everything else that was being said, expressed, showed and felt outside – Thanks to the intensity of my innocent feelings! I felt such a terrible imposition; Around me your arms provided me with a support so strong to bear any shock.

Men – countless articles have been written ever on them, their behavior. A lot of psychoanalysis has already been done. I am not going to add any from my experience. I am sure these have been experienced by other women over time and history. But how women perceived it could vary from one to another. The aftermath of such  a realization must be unique for most of the cases. I am to add then – my experience.

I feel happy! I feel free…

Identifying the meaninglessness

Figuring out the meaning of all meaningless things that you keep doing is a pleasurable job, for you know that the outcome is not so meaningless than the process involved. It’s not a mere thought that sticks your mind every once in a while. It in fact is the result of the constant turmoil that continues in your very brains even when you’re working on something meaningful, or when you’re not working at all.

Let’s assume that your mind is in the state of peace after you’ve achieved something recently, and you want to lay on a cozy bed and forget about rest of the world. Then while staring at space for about a measurable and sufficient amount of time, you all-of-a-sudden realize the futility of that pleasure which is derived from a meaningless objective. Then it hits you- right at the center of your brain from where the thoughts begin to originate and cease to end. This realization seems to diminish all the knowledge that you claim to possess or the ignorance you ignore to repudiate.

One cannot force the other person to think about the things whose existence is unknown. These thoughts are there, lying in the bottom of the pool of thoughts, but your mind is captivated with worldly little pleasures, and these are light in value and meaning, so they float on surface, and thus you are so helpless to realize the presence of the former in your own brain. You need to go deep in your thoughts, penetrating the ideas that amuses you, keeping you from every little distraction, and if only when you’ve finally realized that you too are capable to think beyond those, you can start looking at the bigger picture and some more meaningful or say, actually meaningful things.

random

I gazed directly at the space, for no objects far or near seemed to attract me anymore. I heard no sounds from the window outside, “Do they mock me silently?”- I whispered. Lost in my thoughts, I left the house at 2:30 a.m, too late to find any outlet open, yet too early to find any outlet open.

I was bare feet; I didn’t realize perhaps. Unlike everything else, nature was generous on me: neither hot nor cold. I walked without stopping for an hour or so- to avoid the explosion of random thoughts that didn’t let me sleep that night. I wanted to feel nothing; I wanted to hear nothing. And I thought about those thoughts all the time; thought of trying to avoid those thoughts, and in those thoughts, thought of the thoughts that I desperately wanted to get rid of. I wasn’t really sure of if I was succeedingly avoiding those thoughts or only inviting them to puzzle me more.

Projections

I hope I am not retarded thinking about the things that can depress someone without any reason! – Parul Duggal

Hypocrites they are: all of them! And the best thing is that they show the other ‘not-actually-present’ part of their psyche more beautifully or say,  f@#kingly than original one. What makes them to be a hypocrite? Because all these b@#tards are incapable of projecting the real image, for they know how much the world would hate them for that. But, who would actually hate them? How can a man hate another man for he is so much like him. Can’t they see that this place is full of b@#tards? Whom are they afraid of? Can darkness be afraid of darkness? I don’t find anything more contrasting and matching at the same time.

Why don’t you just announce this place a real political game- “Come and join us if you enjoy everything but not work; if you are a man of everything but not character”. Ah, what I just said, “Character”? Ha! I will soon forget the meaning and use of words if I continue to be in a place like this, among people like them. But is that their mistake or mine? I am unable to be a part of their group as opposed to other social animals. Does that mean I am not a good animal, as I should be? Should I be happy or sad on this? Because this inability seems more pleasing than most of my capabilities. I wonder if I am allowed to behave in a manner one doesn’t or shouldn’t? But do you really see how you behave, for your mind is captivated with what others want from you. This is what takes you into an infinite loop.

Trying to organize randomness; to feel the feelings; to sing the unsung. There must be a space in time, where I can stand for a moment. If only I could hold it from the front, and just let it not move, I would have asked you what drives you do all that bullshit? Am i alone thinking all this or do you also feel the same in your thoughts of thoughts. Is it my weakness or your strength for you can’t see what I see. This drives me crazy day and night.

If I tell you what I think, you would call me mad- not just you, everyone infact! So should I stop thinking this way? Can’t I even think what I want to? Am I not free in my thoughts? But if I continue doing so, I know I would hate you so much that I would soon want an end to all starts. This would end you; this would end me.. Is this what I want? Or I want you to take a ride in the terrain of my thoughts?

Habit

You told me once I am your habit

ha! guess I was not

Is doing something everyday makes it right

Is not doing something everyday makes it desirable 

Is having something everyday makes it loose its worth

Is getting something everyday loses its value?

Insomnia

You said I am a fellow insomniac

ha! but I can only see myself awake

What happens to the promises and the words that people speak

 

Should I trust you or should I not

People very seldom rise to the occasion when they oughta do

But is my conscience clear before I judge somebody else

Is my insomnia justified or is it plain lame

I wish one day I will be contended and guilt free

 

A baby sleeps like the world is the happiest place

We are awake in the want of feeling disgust and drepressed

Meaning of Life

Is life actually what we see

Am I a wanderer or in wilderness

Mind has oceans to swim into

but are those oceans real or illusions?

Is being struck somewhere a feeling or incapability to control yourself

What was in the start and what would be the end of this whole life

I know no one can escape death

and if death is what we will achieve at last, then why are we ignoring that fact

Are people doing the right thing in being happy

..when they know death is everyday taking a step closer to us

Is this what other people think or is it just me?

 

Why do I see happy faces on street when they all know they are going to die one day

I hope I am not retarded thinking about the thing that can depress someone without any reason…