There’s some different peace in this crowd. I can sit with my arms hugging each other and legs kissing their counterparts without being judged. I can behave like a complete weirdo or a most social entity. I can pass smiles when I see new faces, or I can just ignore them all. Somehow, there’s an intense desire in me to make connection with these new souls. However, I also am enjoying the mere thought of remaining quiet, unanswerable, or undisturbed. This train takes me to the most lovely place on earth. But, somehow I am not feeling that excited. What is it that I am trying so hard to find. I hope you understand one day, when I don’t say a word. I hope you see this intense desire to kiss you, when I don’t touch you. I hope!
“I am in a different mood and mode today! Amazing feeling it is, for sure! I know today what they call an “out-of-this-world” feeling”, delirious with joy and drowned in absolute pleasure, she kept thinking to herself!
He asked her, “Why me?”.
She smiled, and said, “Because this question comes to your mind, and because you ask; Because you want an answer to this; Because you care to know what makes me love you; And because you’re you.. that’s why I chose you! Most men wouldn’t think of it. Rest others, who ever think of it, don’t dare to ask this question; for they fear of making their girl ponder on those lines. For if she is capable to answer, she most probably would reject them; And if she is not, the existence of the question ceases to matter! There would be only a very few men who will have this unquenchable thirst to know the ‘why’ behind this and everything else. And since you asked it, I hope you know why-you.”
He smiled back to her. And after a moment he drove her to that “another world” again…
The purpose of life seems to have finished. Loosing you is not just loosing one person, it is like loosing the whole world. I never realized that you played so many roles in my life as and when I needed, without my ever mentioning. I can still feel your touch, your skin, your smell. The gentle and kind your presence was the greatest relief of my life. Having you around was like a most comforting shadow under burning sunrays of May.
They say that souls are immortal, so you must be around here, somewhere close. You must be watching me, and praying for my well being as you always did. I so wish today, I had one more time I could see you, touch you, talk to you, hear you, kiss you.. I miss you, every moment, every hour, every day, and I never want to get over you!
you won’t say a word.. i know that!
for you’re the biggest coward mother earth has produced;
for you are a man, and a born coward!
and guess what? that doesn’t surprise me a bit!
even if you say that you’re not being coward and that you don’t feel what I feel, I would trust you- trust you, instantly!
for i know, you don’t even dare to listen to what they say – all your senses;
you can’t hear the cries they make to you day in and day out for your ear is noisepacked from the bullshit of this fallacy we – me and you – live in and call by different names to hide the impotency and cowardice of ours;
but, i am ready to face the worst- for the worst seems to give me an ecstatic pleasure you won’t ever be able to take which;
you accept the separation for you have a thousand reasons in the world to justify your stand;
but, i have just one, simple but plain, reason to stick to my stubbornness- to keep longing for you;
and that feeling of mine is as true as the existence of me and you;
so if we are here, in this world, together – in same century, time and zone, and if this all is not a dream, and if for once in my life i have the right to live my life, i am going to long for you forever and ever.
i am not asking you to love me back, if at all;
but could you just be so kind to allow me to keep loving you madly in my consciousness, and in my unconsciousness?
She liked to make exception; hated to say the obvious; and nothing of normal sort ever happened to her, or to people whom she liked, disliked, hated or loved.
While editing the play-script manual that Halder had asked her to modify, Alisha often looked at the bottom of each page. It carried same name everywhere, but she could not take her eyes off that portion. She held each page with delicacy, without touching its bottom lines that carried in bold letters – “Harleen Arts Enterprise”.
She asked Halder, “What is the story behind your enterprise’s name? Whenever I look at any page, among everything else that is written, the bottom line that carries the name of your enterprise, appears the boldest – I don’t know why is that? It seems to be calling out, loudly, somebody’s name. I want to know the story behind its name, if you don’t mind telling?”
Halder answered, “The name is after my daughter, Harleen, who lives in Pittsburgh”, monotonously.
Alisha thought for a moment, “Wasn’t Halder unmarried? But he had never said that he was married. Then why hasn’t he ever mentioned his girlfriend or daughter earlier, to anyone in the organization, and to her?”.
“She lives with a distant relative, who is a retired colonel from Army. She was born out of a live-in relationship”, continued Halder.
She expected any answer but that. She was still for a moment and didn’t dare to ask any further questions.
Alisha left early from work; walked too fast on the road; and took the next available train back to home. The train was moving at its speed, but it appeared relatively faster to her, and so did her heart-beats. Her head was in a mess, a severe pain that was wiping out all her energy. She didn’t really know what was making her so restless, whether the knowledge of Halder’s live-in relationship, his daughter, or the break up from his ex-girlfriend and probably his only beloved.
Alisha gazed directly at the space, for no objects far or near seemed to attract her anymore. She heard no sounds from the window outside, “Do they mock me silently?”- she whispered. Lost in her thoughts, she left the house at 2:30 a.m, too late to find any outlet open, yet too early to find any outlet open.
She was bare feet; she didn’t realize perhaps. Unlike everything else, nature was a little generous on her: neither hot nor cold. She walked without stopping for an hour or so- to avoid the explosion of random thoughts that didn’t let her sleep that night. She wanted to feel nothing; She wanted to hear nothing. And she thought about those thoughts all the time; thought of trying to avoid those thoughts, and in those thoughts, thought of the thoughts that she desperately wanted to get rid of. She wasn’t really sure if she succeeded in avoiding those thoughts or only invited them to puzzle her even more.
Halder had a tall, slim figure; neck too thin and erect; eyes too bold and sharp; voice as strong as that of a soldier from Army; His walk appeared like of a lion walking fearlessly in the jungle of his emperorship; He laughed rarely, and when he did, each member of the group considered it a rare blessing to receive; His request was an order for everyone in the organization. They revered him like a diety and he loved them back equally, adrently. Alisha had joined this organization three and a half years ago. For the first one year, he didn’t even notice her; For Harleen Arts Group was too big a company, and knowing each new joinee was not possible for its founder and CEO.
When they met for the first time, they didn’t greet each other; It didn’t seem necessary. Their first meeting seemed to be continuing an unfinished meeting started long ago. She looked straight into his eyes, and he passed a soft smile. She never showed any interest in him, and he knew that if she was interested in anything, or anyone – it was only him.
Alisha- as an exception- used to give him orders, and Halder- as an exception- used to obey them silently. Nobody gave her that authority, but she presumed it; and Halder had never objected about it. They had a silent understanding- an understanding that two people have, who have been tied with an unbreakable bond, from eternity.
You’re just mean; for you’re closest to the image that seems to complete me by all means.
I so long to become yours. But I’m lost! Now please don’t ask me, “where to”? If I have had the slightest clue about it, I would have brought myself back to me! I am searching for ‘me’ for so long now; but it seems it’s the most futile task I could attempt to do for it takes me into a recursive loop of self-discovery for all I find in me is ‘you’ and in you ‘me’.
In the meantime I have discovered how much I hate the idea of your confrontation with these feelings of mine. I don’t seem to enjoy living that ‘moment of life’, Yes- I call it a ‘moment of ‘life’ for the purpose of life seems to have condensed into this one very moment. For I know it shall put an end to my ever longingness. It is certainly very rude and indeed inhuman to take away one’s most lovely and perhaps only reason of living from oneself.
And so I profoundly wish that you remain silent and ignorant as you will anyways be!
What is a binary need?
I feel when something is either there or not there, it’s a binary object; the need of having such thing is a binary objective of achieving it, where the plausible outcomes are either 1 or 0; nothing lies in between! absolutely nothing!
and that’s the way how i want you, and long for you. just you; nothing between us to define this relationship. either be yours instantly or long for you for the rest of my life;
for you’re my binary need!